Conflicted
by ZivaDavid-LesNinja-FemmeLove
Summary: Told your whole life that those feelings are wrong, one day someone comes into your life that ignites those feelings again. What do you do? Kate faces this when she develops feelings for Ziva. Will she tell her how she feels or be forever conflicted?
1. Chapter 1

She was seen as innocent but in all honesty she had always had a thing for her… not just any girl, but her. It was not as if any men were working out for her anyway. There was only one problem. She was not just anyone. She was Ziva David and this all but innocent woman was Caitlin Todd. She had no idea what was going through her head. All Caitlin knew was that everything she had been taught as a child and adolescent told her this was wrong but within her heart of hearts she was told it was perfectly okay to love a woman the way she did.

Kate, as her friends would call her, would watch the mysterious Israeli as she walked, or sat at her desk. It was a wonder Ziva did not notice. Or did she? If Ziva had noticed, wouldn't she have said something? Kate couldn't have been sure. All she could have been sure of was the conflict between her head and heart. Both screamed at her like relentless harpies through the night as she dreamt about the sexual, sensual woman. She was so beautiful. Ziva had managed to captivate Kate in ways no other human on the face of this planet could. And for her, it was a constant struggle.  
That night Kate let out an exasperated sigh as she sat up in bed. It was late, probably no later than midnight. That night Kate could not sleep. Her mind was a whir with thoughts of her, fantasies of her. She could just imagine throwing her down on her desk and doing so many things to her. She shook away the thought, rubbing her eyes. She looked at the clock and then the crucifix hanging from her neck.

Damn Catholic school… damn Catholic beliefs… damn, damn, damn. She threw her pillow angrily at the wall in front of her and buried her face in her knees. Kate could hear Ziva's melodious voice ringing in her ears. _Caitlin… Caitlin. _She let out a somewhat loud and frustrated groan as she lied back in her small, cold, lonely bed.  
That night Caitlin did not sleep. In fact, she remained awake, still as she stared up at the ceiling. She could only see Ziva's face as her eyes fixed onto a spot on the ceiling. When she finally readied herself for another possibly long day she looked at herself in the mirror and saw a pitiful sight. She looked like shit. Kate knew she would have to wear more makeup today than usual. Would Ziva notice? Would she care? Would she like it?

Another sigh escaped her lips, loneliness tingeing it. She ran her fingers through her hair, causing it to become disheveled as she looked at the cell phone lying on the table beneath her. She picked it up and flipped it open before reluctantly texting Ziva. She wouldn't notice. She would not care. She would never like it. That is what Kate told herself as she typed the two letter text, hi.  
It didn't take more than a minute for her to reply, hello Caitlin. Her heart leaped into her throat as she felt her phone vibrate. She grabbed it quickly and read the text, somehow not able to believe it. She replied! What would Kate say back? Good morning? Ready for work? How are you? Need a ride? Kate shook her head, as if to shake herself out of some sort of hallucination.

Why on earth was she doing this to herself? It was as if she was torturing herself. Kate was technically straight, perhaps just curious. And Ziva was never exactly definitive about her sexuality. It was one thing Kate, and many others, found alluring about her. She simply replied, good morning. Fixing her makeup so that she didn't look totally exhausted, she waited for Ziva to reply. Again the woman replied, good morning to you too, Kate.

She smiled down at the phone as she read the words. The older agent wrote back, how are you? This conversation kept going for a few minutes until Gibbs called Kate. Kate picked up the phone from its spot on the table and answered.

"Agent Todd." She announced.  
"Kate, you do plan on getting to work sometime soon, right?" Gibbs quipped.  
"Oh, yeah. I am just having… car trouble." She replied. "I will be there quickly."  
"I shall see to it that you are." Gibbs said before he hung up.

Kate let out the breath she held within her throat; relieved Gibbs had not caught her in a lie. Ziva had actually managed to distract her that much. She shook her head, this time in disbelief. She was like… a wizard, or a Jedi ninja. All she knew was that Ziva was played mind games with her; games she'd win. She glanced at the clock, 0700 already. Today was going to be a long day.


	2. Chapter 2

Ziva was wearing those clothes again. Kate knew what that meant. She was probably sported an all-too revealing button down blouse with those tight jeans. Or those booty hugging cargo pants Kate loved on her so much. Shit! There she goes again making those googly eyes at thoughts of Ziva. She let out a breath as the doors of the elevator opened, revealing the third floor to her. She stepped out and sure enough there Ziva was sitting at her desk, wearing a dark blue button down blouse, her curly brunette hair hanging in waves down her right shoulder. The top two buttons were undone, revealing the perfect amount of her cleavage in that push up bra Kate knew she was wearing. What Kate did not know was that Ziva was wearing this ensemble to get her attention. She wanted her to notice.  
Looking up from some paper work, Ziva saw Kate and her heart beat a little faster. A bit of her bangs fell into her face as she looked at Kate and she smiled to the older woman. Ziva did not know what to do from there. Should she speak? Should she just smile? Her brain was a discombobulated mess of questions. She swallowed the nervous lump in her throat building up and moved her arms inward a bit with pushed her breasts in a bit, somehow making them more noticeable. Kate gave them a quick glance, returning her hazel eyes to Ziva's chocolate brown. The mocha orbs within their sockets sparkled as light refracted off of them. Ziva blinked a few times, tilting her head to the left slightly.

"Hello Caitlin. Good morning." Ziva greeted politely.  
"Hi. And a good morning to you, Ziva." Kate replied, acting oddly sly.

Kate decided to go to her desk, sitting down in the office chair which was positioned there. Throughout the seemingly eventless morning Kate would glance up from her computer to look at Ziva, who sat on the other side of Gibbs' desk. Rarely ever did Ziva catch her looking at her, and for that Ziva was grateful. How would she explain all of the gocking?  
Kate didn't realize that Ziva did the same thing. She looked up, blinking a few times watching as the woman typed. Caitlin was wearing a beautiful red shirt, somewhat t-shirt like with a suit skirt of a brown color. The clothes went well together and they looked really well on her. Ziva looked at the skirt and the skin it exposed. She bit her bottom lip, enjoying her current view.  
At some point Ziva forced herself to look away, putting her attention back onto her computer. As images came up on her monitor, whirring by as they were being sent to FBI, Ziva thought about what it would be like to have sex with Kate. Sex with Kate? Sex with Kate? No. Kate would not want her in that way. She shook her head a bit, finding it absolutely insane that she was having these thoughts, and about her co-worker no less… a woman co-worker. Could she keep playing this game with Kate?  
At that moment it seemed as though the rest of the squad room was bustling with activity yet Kate and Ziva were at a standstill. Neither wanted to move or speak in fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Ziva's mouth opened slightly, but she didn't say anything. Small talk was never her strongest suit and to be honest she hated it. She hated making it. She hated hearing it. It meant nothing. She simply shut her mouth and turned back to her desk. What else could she do?  
Kate, meanwhile, was tapping her pencil against the side of her face, watching Ziva closely. After a few moments of consideration, she set the pencil down and stood from her seat. Ziva's eyes darted up from the paper work beneath her nose and she watched as Kate sauntered over to her.

"Hello." Kate's voice rang out again.

It was melodious, beautiful even. Ziva enjoyed hearing it. She grinned.

"May I help you?" Ziva asked as she bat her eyelashes with every blink, that grin still on her face.

Kate simply shrugged at her question, being mysterious and truthful at the same time.

"Eh," She vocalized. "Maybe you can, maybe you can't."

The woman's words intrigued her. Narrowing her eyes slightly at the woman, Ziva sat back in her office chair as she scrutinized the older agent which stood before her. Her head tilted to the side, seeming confused.

"Hmm…" She simply hummed, biting her bottom lip a bit. "Sometimes, Caitlin, you surprise me."

"Is that a… good thing?" Kate asked.

Ziva shrugged, leaving Kate guessing. This back and forth game between them kept some sort of fire burning within them both. Neither woman entirely hated the game, nor was it loved. It got quiet between them both as they stared at each other, no words said. Kate watched as Ziva allowed her eyes to relax, hazel meeting brown. Kate's heart began to race. What would she say next?

"At a loss for words, are we?" Ziva quipped, crossing her arms cockily.

"N-no." Kate stuttered which made Ziva giggle but she pulled it back. "Oh, you find that funny?"

"Yeah, a little." Ziva admitted with a sigh at the end.

Kate furrowed her brows somewhat frustratedly. Ziva wondered what Kate was thinking about. Why was she staring at Ziva that way? Kate walked around the right hand side of the desk, perching herself against the edge. She still looked down at Ziva.

"Seriously, what do you need?" Ziva asked, seeing agitated.

"Can I not just come over to your desk and say hello?" Kate deflected.

"You can, and you did." Ziva pointed out, which was true. She had already said hello.

"I did?" Kate questioned, maintaining that slyness.

"Yes. Caitlin, really…"

Kate then did something neither expected. She bent down and kissed Ziva right on the lips. Ziva sat there, eyes wide. At the same time Kate was confused. Her lips felt real, soft, just like she had imagined them, yet they did not. Kate pulled away and suddenly a buzzing sound filled her ears, drowning out Ziva's voice. Within an instant everything around her was gone and when she opened her eyes she was in her room, her alarm clock blaring. She turned it off and looked around the room. Ziva was not there. No one was there. She found the pillow she had thrown the night before. Kate then realized she must have fallen asleep while she was staring at the ceiling. Groaning, she rubbed her eyes and tried to make sense of that dream.  
She had kissed Ziva. She kissed Ziva. The more she repeated that phrase in her head the more she found it utterly insane. There was no way that would ever get to happen. Ziva was straight… at least that's what Kate thought. And besides, Kate was straight as well. Or was she?  
This made her think back to the time when she was thirteen and she had had a crush on a girl. They dated for a week before the nuns at her Catholic school had found out and phoned her parents. They told her to stop. They told her it was bad, not natural, just a phase. A phase? Loving women is a phase? The idea in and of itself seemed utterly ludicrous, but even then Kate never dated another girl. She tried being with men, boy did she try. Yet, despite her efforts, none ever stuck.  
So, the question was, would Ziva stick? Would loving Ziva, being with Ziva in the way she wanted to be work? Kate knew the answer going in. No. No. It would not, nor could it ever work. This was her mentality, the reality at the time. What Kate had not known was that Ziva had had a dream along the same lines.


End file.
